How Should A Man Refine His Dating Style As He Ages?

Courtesy: VideoBlocks

It might've taken a pandemic, but I think the world is leaning towards more organic communication again. The Coronavirus has inadvertently given us more time on our hands as we continue to practice social distancing. Contemporary dating culture is a topic that has come up with me in conversations that I've had during this social distancing era. Whether through text or virtual happy hours, there were a lot of parallels.  A lot of the conversation surrounded around the Hinge app and the lackluster crop of guys that women find on there. They negatively cited things like hood nicknames on there and the listed interests, namely, "you know the vibes." There was also the sentiment discussed of knowing where a woman stands and deciding to "waste" her time anyway.

It dawned on me that there are just habits that guys have that I don't think they shake as they get older. Their idea towards dating and what it's supposed to mean doesn't evolve. I think for all parties it behooves us to evolve. Lack of that development stunts us.

There's certain things we have to embrace as men as we grow and continue to date.

We have to understand and accept the places a lot of women are in their lives. Many seek connection, many seek real intimacy, many seek commitment. You in no way have to acquiesce to that, but you also shouldn't be faking it till you make it either. A lot can be avoided if we were clearer with ourselves about the things that we want. Once we know, we have a responsibility to convey that to someone that we're seeing.

I think that knowing what you want helps order how you decide to go about everything else with someone. It's like a really good thesis statement. In my case, it helps me set some sort of standard for myself. Depending on what it is that I'm seeking, it would define my function. I always want to know what my purpose is in all of this, what should be my function? If it's commitment that I seek, my function may be different than if I was seeking something that was casual. What is expected of me may be different as well depending on the woman. Ultimately, I should only be involved in scenarios that sit well with all who are involved.

This would all be a lot simpler if we left the wrong women alone.

The wrong woman isn't a bad person. The wrong woman just doesn't fit your life's composition currently. Maintaining sexual connections strictly for the sex when another party has more desires from you would be wrong. You have to be able to exit all that. I tend to feel that you'd be respected immensely for that. To move like that as you get older really doesn't help anyone. You slow down your process as well as your partner's.

I view a lot of this through the lens of sports.

As you age as a player, you have to refine your game. You won't find success doing some of the things you did as a  younger athlete. You have to see where things are trending and adjust. In basketball you may have  to rely more on a better jump shot rather than pure athleticism as you age. When you're dating, getting by on looks and game may not be the key anymore. Can you be emotionally intelligent? Do you communicate? Do you show compassion? Do you know what intimacy looks like for you and how it might differ with your partner? Those are some characteristics that lend itself to building solid foundations with someone. These are all great discussion points if you care to have them too.

The bottom line ends up being that you have to care. 

You also have to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and know how to convey them. If you care enough, you'll end up not wasting as much people's time. You'll also end up pursuing people more in line with what you're seeking to experience. If you care enough, you'll present yourself a lot better in general.

Black women really believe that we don't get it. 

They believe that we don't have a clue how to court or articulate ourselves well enough. I'm also very guilty of being a forever optimist. But I do think there are more of us out here who understand all of this clearly. We just have to try and become more prevalent. The stuff that worked for us in college or in high school or in your mid 20's just won't be enough. You have to grow your game and you have to care. Continue to build, that should never stop. We look bad as a unit. People still bitch about $200 dates on Twitter. If we care, we'll think outside the box, if we care we'll take initiative. We can change the experiences of so many women if we simply cared to. Another way of saying that, is to be honest. Let all of your actions be honest. You lose nothing long term by being that way.

These are my words and I make no apologies.


  1. Recently met a guy on hinge and he's the "WYD" type. All I ask is for decent communication. But great read.


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