Why Does The "WYD Guy" Exist and How Do We Get Rid of Him?

It baffles me that in my late 20's I still hear stories about guys who lack conversational skills. I've alluded to this in past pieces, one of which you can check out here. That piece was written over 3 years ago. Today this type of guy is labeled as the "wyd guy." He's the dude that texts "wyd" ad nauseam throughout a given day.  Over the past few months, I've noticed that women continue to deal with this kind of person. I was curious to know what some experiences were like for you ladies. I reached out to a few good women to pick their brain. Hopefully you all share the goods. Let's get into it.

Have you seen a decline in male conversational skills through the years?

Tass: First question. I haven't seen any studies suggesting a decline in the conversational skills of men. What I personally see is the continuation of low expectations and accountability for men unable to have strong communication skills outside of business/sports. As a society, we allow boys/men to exist and thrive with poor communication skills. We suppress those functions in them from early childhood. A man who can't freely express himself to himself is chained to his childhood.

Vanessa: I feel like through the years, male conversation skill have been in limbo. I do chalk it up to mean if a guy is in the mood or likes you enough to have a serious conversation past the generic kind... I’m sure the older we get, the more we become knowledgeable to speak about things. However, I do feel that it lacks because oftentimes men aren’t sure what kind of girl they’re meeting. Or maybe they do and they aren’t real about their intentions, so faking convo comes off worse.

Shauntae: Yes I have seen a decline in male conversational skills throughout the years they don’t even try (laughs).  

Simone: Yes, I have seen a decline in conversational skills post college. I recall more conversations being casual in terms of getting to know people and learning about them but it's starting to seem like guys I have interacted with already think they know me from my social media profile. They are at a lost for things to find out and learn about the person they are talking to or they don't want to come off as corny or thirsty. I am not sure what to make of it, but I think that social media plays a large role in this. People either don't want you screen shotting them or they feel like they already know you based on a Google search.

If so, what do you feel caused this?

Tass:   How do we cause this or further perpetuate it? We shame them for crying. We use phrases like "man up" or "be a man" as if those are contrary to sharing human emotions and being vulnerable. We tell them that transparency is the equivalent of homosexuality therefor binding him to heteronormative behavior at the expense of healthy emotional expressions.

Shauntae: I’m not really sure why they don’t try maybe they aren’t used to girls who want to converse about different things or they themselves have nothing really to talk about because they don’t do anything interesting. It could be intimidation who knows, 8 times out of 10 they end up being “wyd” guys.

Simone: For example, I despise the popularity of "Good Morning" texts. I think we socialized those as validation for a caring relationship but it really feels to me like more of a cliche. I've gotten good morning texts from both men who I know cared for me and wanted to wish me a good morning when they woke up. Then there were men that I am quite sure were just doling out good morning texts to me and whoever else they were talking to as a time passer on the way to work. After the "Good Morning" they usually go with something like "wyd" which is annoying since I am a full-time working professional and the answer is usually that I am at work.

Is there a particular instance where you felt really disappointed that a guy ended up being a "wyd guy?"

Tass: I've met two "wyd" guys and of course I was disappointed because once you get past that, they're ambitious, generous, funny, spiritual, and compassionate. I'm confident they could have been great partners for me. However, having to dismantle years of poor emotional connectivity is quite the task. And because I teach effective and compassionate communication for a living, I am often too tired to do it all over again when I get home.


Vanessa: There have been times  that I’ve been disappointed with a "wyd guy" because of my expectations, though. I expected, well if you’re feeling me or want to get to know me, where is the action to actually go out than to continue to text.


Simone: In terms of a particular instance that I was disappointed, I had a friend who I could tell was interested in me but was in a relationship. We were pretty cool and used to text all the time on some homie stuff (he works evenings) he is related to one of my close friends so I saw him often for birthdays/thanksgiving/family BBQ's and we always had unaddressed chemistry/vibes. Recently, he showed up to my friends event and we went to the store for something and he was acting all nervous and stuff then ended up kissing me which is when I learned that he was now single. After that we hit each other up via text message now and then and he’s always hitting me with the wyd and dry conversation which is really disappointing because that’s a) not what our conversation were like 8 years ago and b) if he wasn't someone that I knew personally and was interested in, I would have already ceased conversations with him because I prefer a man who can lead a conversation and bring me into a comfort zone.

Any advice on how a guy can fix this?

Tass: The good news is a man can fix this. I had conversations with each of them expressing my frustration over their lack of direction and purpose. It was honest, uncomfortable, and a challenge for both of us but the conversation was had. I own the responsibility and burden of identifying how I want to be treated and they have the responsibility and burden of meeting those expectation if they want. Once the information is out there and I make some recommendations on how they can improve, then it's fair game. Until then, I don't blame men for not knowing how to effectively communicate with a woman they're interested in because the world doesn't hold them accountable for that.

Vanessa: A guy can fix it by creating a debate or questionable topic that he’s curious about. Also, maybe if he sees something on social media, he can use that as leverage to create a conversation. I think social media alone has plenty of triggers & gives incentive for conversation.

Shauntae: Well I feel like if a man takes interest in a woman he should show her that. There are subtle hints you can drop by just making her feel comfortable. You can also let her know that she’s on your mind by checking in periodically. A simple “Hey I know you may be busy but I hope your day is going well.” Sometimes it’s the little things. Making someone comfortable goes a long way (laughs) just saying.

Simone: It feels like "back in the day" men were able to make women feel comfortable and secure when we were being awkward or shy now everyone is either too cool or they feel like they already know you. I prefer men that lead and take charge so it feels, to me that that has thrown a wrench in dating since it is a key trait I look for.

These ladies all made some great points. 

I happen to think pretty stubbornly on this issue.  I hate to play the "back in my day" card but I deem it necessary to do so. The women above all vary in ages from mid 20's to early 30's. This means that we all lived through the periods in life where we didn't have unlimited texting. We didn't have unlimited minutes willy nilly as we do now. We come from a time where we had to wait until after 9 p.m. to call people for free on out cell phones.

Growing up and dating, at least for me, it meant that you had to talk. 

If you wanted to be with girls, you had to talk. Texting "wyd" was not prevalent between 2003 and 2008. If I'm wrong then please call me out on it. I lean more on the side that thinks the culture has changed. Dating culture has changed. Long gone are the days of a/s/l to get a conversation started. You literally can now swipe into each other's lives on a given night.

With these new conveniences I think that lack of engaging conversation has become a side effect. Everything has been made so damn easy now that coming up with conversation has become work for some. I understand that everyone doesn't possess infinite wit. I understand being nervous and overthinking things and not knowing what to say. But these things can't linger over long stretches.

I feel that conversation or lack thereof is congruent to the interest levels of the parties involved with each other. Bland conversation simply means disinterest as far as I can see it. So we can surmise that bubbling conversation is indicative of great chemistry and mutual interest.

Ladies, in the pantheon of the men you've dated, I'm sure you can make that clear distinction. Some of you all have wasted enough time with folks that have nothing to say. Well assume that they're just not interested enough. Assume that maybe they just wanted some ass and they couldn't even be real about those intentions either. Save yourself the time and headache. We're talking about grown men who can't articulate what they want. Grown men who have gotten passed the hardest part which was getting your contact information. They have access to you and don't know what to do with it. Who has patience for that?

There's not much that I can say to the fellas.

 I find it very simple to make conversation with people you're genuinely interested in. When you're not as interested, you tend to fish for stuff to talk about. In this day and age even that should be easy as viral as everything is these days. If I could give any advice to men, it would be  to be authentic. Share your interests, tell stories and take it easy. Be honest about your intentions. Be honest and respectful in your delivery. It'll help set a foundation of transparency whether you guys remain friends or become anything more. The more comfortable in conversing you are, the more comfortable she will be in engaging with you.

You'll become a breath of fresh air in this world of illiterate "wyd'ers." You'll shine bright and if you stay consistent enough...she'll pick you.

These are my words and I make no apologies.