When Is The Right Time To Exhibit "Marital Qualities" With A Partner

Courtesy: Single Black Male

Listening to podcasts is something I have grown to enjoy doing. I know that I'm not the only one. My tastes vary from dating and sex podcasts to  politics and sports. One of my favorite shows to check out sometimes is called Room For Relations. In the latest episode called "Are You Married or Just Dating?" the gang discusses when the right time is to begin handling duties that are associated with marriage. Among some of the tasks or behaviors mentioned were things like making a plate for your partner, cooking for your partner, washing the dishes, taking the garbage out and even taking their car for oil changes. The discussion was surprisingly eye opening for me, because these are tasks I haven't given much thought to in regards to when the right time was to carry them out.

It pays to remember that you have to take yourself out of your own thought pattern to try and understand these things. So I did, and it's obvious that it's a concern for folks as to when they begin to exhibit qualities that lend itself to making a partner feel like you could be in it for the long haul.

So much of this concern I feel could be quelled by how deliberate someone is during the dating process. I have always been a proponent for being clear and deliberate with intentions. I feel like if someone clearly wants to date you, in so many words they would say just that. If you need clarity  on that, you should definitely ask. If you're not in a space where you believe you want to commit, but you want someone to be affectionate with and go out sometimes with then let that be known as well. In any case, I don't advocate for deceiving anyone. People should know what a situation is and leave it to them to want to indulge or not. With that, the parties involved maintain respect for one another, and headaches in the future can be alleviated. I'm not quite sure why more folks don't adapt that approach, but I know for me, it has maintained a ton of peace for a number of years.

In regards to how soon you should start performing certain tasks, I guess it just depends on who you are. I'm someone who likes to be useful. If' I'm spending time with you or even occupying your space like your apartment or something, I'm trying to be useful. That could mean that I bring some wine when I see you. It could mean that I help you take the garbage out after we kick it. Maybe I fix your VCR. The point is that my view of being a man is somewhat predicated on helping make a lady's day a little bit easier.

There seems to be a ton of angst regarding revealing too much of these qualities to someone who you may deem undeserving. I find that to be legitimate. But I also know that you would feel safer doing said tasks if you were clear as to who the person you're seeing is and what they are seeking from the interactions you guys have. I once dated someone once who I overheard on the phone saying that she needed paper towels. I happened to step out for a bit and when I returned, I came back with a 12 pack right quick. For me, it was a gesture that was unexpected of me, it showed that I listened, and I made her life easier. Missions all accomplished. I wasn't concerned with how this made me look in regards to an even more serious future. But I also knew that it didn't hurt.

There is no shame in making yourself useful.

But I find that the culture today is such that everyone seems to be walking on eggshells emotionally and otherwise. I get that people get hurt and it takes work to heal. But at the same token, any happiness that you want to experience is going to have to come by way of you getting over that hurt. Figuring out the best course of action is a whole other conversation.

The culture currently is such that a lot of women feel men only seek to do the bare minimum to even just "get the draws" so to speak. A prevalent issue that I have spoken to women about is men's lack of conversational skills. For a lot of ladies it seems to be like pulling teeth for a guy to simply remain interesting. I'm sure a lot of women,  while they kick it with someone, it's exhausting getting said dude to open up and show them some semblance of who they would be as a partner.

For whatever reason, I think that men don't place enough faith in their honesty. They don't place enough faith that if they are talking to someone that doesn't want what they want, it wouldn't be a total loss. If all parties are comfortable with whatever parameters are set, then you create a space of what types of behavior to expect. You open the floor for certain kinds of conversations you can have regarding a possible future or other desires. Like many things regarding dating, communication reigns supreme.

Dating shouldn't seem this damn complicated. 

Dating whether seriously or casually should be a fun type of thing. If it isn't fun, more times than not, then you should find a better match. But this much emphasis on when you decide to do solids for an interest of yours shouldn't really be a thing. You should feel safe expressing your interest for someone who has already shared that same sentiment. Hopefully we can just let go and just be more comfortable with one another. It's the least we can ask for.

These are my words and I make no apologies.